Old / Still young

Plantation visit 31/12/08

I need to grow up. I'm still a baby when I should be a grown, if not growing man. Let me learn, see and feel.

Personal development and experience gives one a sense of security. But sometimes one feels his rate of growth is too slow.

My outings are mostly nothing to do with having meaningless fun. I am meeting people. I want to meet people, watch what they do, know what their doing, hear what they have to say, hear their experience, getting the feel of the environment and observe. Without doing so, survival would be hard, never mind achievement.

It is much harder to do so after this. The environment in Melbourne is different. You learn different things and hear different things. What I learn here is not found anywhere else.

Learning is an eternal process.

And I know after this, I will be devoting my time and giving my full attention to something / someone else for the next few weeks. It is only fair to him/her that I do what I have to do prior to that and not let anything come into our way. Work is work, holiday is holiday, it is my principle, and that of many people, to not confuse or combine the two.

But I failed.

Maybe I'm selfish. I thought I knew what I was doing, I think I did not.

I failed miserably.

Had I been unfair to you? Would it be any different or would we feel any different if during this period I had a full-time job rather than meeting people at irregular times? Perhaps a full time job in the opinion of many would be a much more important activity than what I am doing - and they may be right. I did what I did with the understanding that both you and I are engaged in our own activities. That we may be busy with our families or acquaintances. There will be a time we will meet, and there will be a time for nothing but each other. But I do not prioritise anything above you - It may seem to be that way, but I know that's how I feel deep down. Maybe I'm careless in not letting you know/feel that.

I thought I knew what to do. I think I misunderstood. I think I do not know what I'm doing. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm inexperienced. Maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe I have really been wasting my time this few days / weeks.

Maybe I really didn't learn that much after all.

Maybe I'm young and still learning. A stupid little baby boy that learns too slow - A failure.